Club Songbook

I've been a Wild Rover for many a year
And I've spent all my money on whiskey and beer,
And now I'm returning with gold in great store
And I never will play the wild rover no more.

Chorus
And it's no, nay, never,
No nay never no more,
Will I play the Wild Rover
No never, no more.

I went to an ale-house I used to frequent
And I told the landlady my money was spent.
I asked her for credit, she answered me "nay
Such a custom as yours I could have any day."

Chorus

I took from my pocket ten sovereigns bright
And the landlady's eyes opened wide with delight.
She said "I have whiskey and wines of the best
And the words that I ‘ve spoken were only in jest."

Chorus

I'll go home to my parents, confess what I've done
And I'll ask them to pardon their prodigal son.
And if they caress me as ofttimes before
Then I swear I will play the Wild Rover no more.

The other verses....

I've been a right pervert for many a year
And I've spent all me money on tight leather gear
And now I'm returning pursued by the law
And I swear I will pester those children no more.

I went to the market with my cousin, Jim,
And somebody threw a big mackerel at him,
He said "Mackerel don't hurt, they don't break the skin"
But this one did ‘cause it came in a tin!

I went to a brothel; I'd been there before,
And I asked them to find me a suitable whore,
They found me a stunner, but oh, just my luck
I'd forgotten my money so she wouldn' t dance.

I went up a mountain with Marilyn Monroe
And the bits that were pointy got covered in snow
And I said to Marilyn "Can I make you scream?"
She said "Do what you like cos it's your f*cking dream"

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ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE

Some things in life are bad; they can really make you mad.
Other things just make you swear and curse.
When you're chewing on life's gristle,
Don't grumble, give a whistle,
And this'll help things turn out for the best!

And...
Always look on the bright side of life (whistle)
Always look on the right side of life (whistle)

If life seems jolly rotten, there's something you've forgotten,
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing,
When you're feeling in the dumps,
Don't be silly chumps,
Just purse your lips and whistle, that's the thing

And...
Always look on the bright side of life (whistle)
Always look on the right side of life (whistle)

For life is quite absurd, and death's the final word,
You must always face the curtain with a bow,
Forget about your sin; give the audience a grin,
Enjoy it, it's your last chance anyhow!

And...
Always look on the bright side of death (whistle)
Just before you draw your terminal breath (whistle)

Life's a piece of shit when you look at it,
Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true.
You'll see it's all a show, keep them laughing as you go,
Just remember that the last laugh is on you.

And...
Always look on the bright side of life (whistle)
Always look on the right side of life (whistle)
Always look on the bright side of life (whistle)
Always look on the right side of life (whistle)

- Monty Python

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AMERICAN PIE

A long, long time ago, I can still remember
How that music used to make me smile.
And I knew if I had my chance, I could make those people dance,
And maybe they'd be happy for a while.
But February made me shiver, with every paper I delivered,
Bad news on the doorstep, I couldn't take one more step.
I can't remember if I cried when I read about his widowed bride
But something touched me deep inside the day the music died.
So bye, bye, Miss American Pie,
Drove my Chevy to the levy but the levy was dry.
Them good ol' boys were drinking whisky and rye
Singing "this'll be the day that I die,
This'll be the day that I die".

Did you write the book of love and do you have faith in God above,
If the Bible tells you so?
And do you believe in rock'n'roll, can music save your mortal soul,
And can you teach me how to dance real slow?
Well I know that you're in love with him, ‘cause I saw you dancing in the gym
You both kicked off your shoes, man I dig those rhythm and blues!
I was a lonely teenage bronking buck with a pink carnation and a pick-up truck,
But I knew I was out of luck, the day the music died.
I started singing....

Now for ten years I've been on my own and moss grows fat on a rolling stone
But that's not how it used to be.
When the jester sang for the King and Queen in a coat he'd borrowed from James Dean
And a voice that came from you and me
Oh, and while the King was looking down, the jester stole his thorny crown,
The courtroom was adjourned, no verdict was returned.
And while Lenin read a book on Marx, the quartet practised in the park
And we sang dirges in the dark, the day the music died
We were singing...

I knew a girl who sang the blues, so I asked her for some happy news,
But she just smiled and turned away.
So I went down to the sacred store where I'd heard the music once before,
But the man there said the music wouldn't play.
In the streets the people screamed, the children cried and the poets dreamed,
Not a word was spoken; the church bells all were broken.
The three men I admire the most, the Father, Son and Holy Ghost,
Why, they caught the last train for the coast, the day the music died.
And they were singin

- Don Maclean

ARTHUR BROWN

Arthur Brown went off to join the Parachute Brigade,
Arthur Brown went off to join the Parachute Brigade,
Arthur Brown went off to join the Parachute Brigade,
But he ain't gonna jump no more.

Glory, glory, what a helluva way to die,
Suspended by your (braces) when you don't know how to fly.
Glory, glory, what a helluva way to die,
And he ain't gonna jump no more.

He jumped from the Dakota up at forty thousand feet...

He'd packed his shirt and underpants instead of an issue 'chute...

He was the last to leave the aircraft and the first to hit the ground...

They scraped him off the drop zone like a lump of strawberry jam...

They put him in an envelope and sent him home to mum...

She put him on the mantlepiece for everyone to see...

She put him in the sarnies when the vicar came to tea...

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BESTIALITY'S BEST

Bestiality's best, boys;
Bestiality's best (shag a wallaby)
Bestiality's best, boys,
Bestiality's best!

Get in deep with a sheep, boys...

Intercourse with a horse, boys...

Make a spider wider, boys...

Get it out for a trout, boys...

Down the throat of a goat, boys...

Stick your log in a dog, boys...

Thrust your pole up a vole, boys...

etc...etc...

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BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY

Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality.
Open your eyes, look into the skies and see.
I'm just a poor boy, earning no sympathy
Because I'm easy come, easy go, little high, little low.
Any way the wind blows doesn't really matter to me...to me.

Mama, just killed a man, put a gun against his head,
Pulled my trigger, now he's dead.
Mama, life had just begun, but now I've gone and thrown it all away.
Mama, didn't mean to make you cry.
If I'm not back again this time tomorrow,
Carry on, carry on as if nothing really matters.

It's too late; my time has come;
Sent shivers down my spine, body's aching all the time.
Goodbye everybody, I've got to go,
Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth.
Mama, I don't wanna die.
I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all.

I see a little silhouetto of a man.
Scaramouche? Scaramouche? Will you do the fandango?
Thunderbolts and lightening, very, very frightening me!
Galileo (Galileo), Galileo (Galileo), Galileo Figaro, Magnifico-o-o-o-o!
I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me.
He's just a poor boy from a poor family,
Spare him his life from this monstrosity.
Easy come, easy go, will you let me go?
Bismilah, no, we will not let you go!
Let him go!
Bismilah, no, we will not let you go!
Let me go...never, never, never, never let me go!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
O mama mia, mama mia, let me go!
Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me, for me, for me!

So you think you can stop me and spit in my eye?
So you think you can love me and leave me to die?
Oh baby, can't do this to me baby!
Just gotta get out, just gotta get right out of here!

Nothing really matters, anyone can see,
Nothing really matters. Nothing really matters to me.
(Anyway, the wind blows)

- Queen

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CORNISH BLACKBIRD SONG

Where be that blackbird be?
I know where 'e be...
'E be up a wurzel tree an' I be after 'e...
'E sees I an' I sees 'e... buggered if I don' 'ave 'e
Wi' a bloody big stick I'll 'ammer 'e
Blackbird - I'll 'ave 'e!

by The Wurzels
There are a few more verses which I could try to find, but this verse used
to get shouted on minibuses to great comic effect by Mr Mark Furze esq., in
a very broad Cornish accent.

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DAYDREAM BELIEVER

Oh I could hide 'neath the wings,
Of the bluebird as she sings,
The six o'clock alarm would never ring.
But it rings and I rise,
Wipe the sleep out of my eyes,
My shaving razor's cold, and it stings.

Cheer up, sleepy Jean!
Oh, what can it mean,
To a Daydream believer
And a homecoming queen?

You once thought of me
As a white knight on a steed.
Now you know how happy I can be,
And our good times start and end
Without one dollar to spend,
But how much, baby, do we really need?

Chorus, repeat to fade

- The Monkees

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FLUSH THE MAGIC TOILET

(To the tune of Puff the Magic Dragon)

Flush the magic toilet, lived by the Lune,
And frolicked in the autumn mists from Morecambe to Preston
Flush the magic toilet filled up the sea
Polluting northern beaches for the likes of you and me

Little Suzie Snodgrass loved that rascal loo
And Flush he did love Suzie with a love so rare and true
His pipes were made of silver; his bowl was just the same
And water came cascading down when you pulled his little chain.

He cleaned himself with Harpic, with Brobat and with spit
So that he was nice and clean when Suzie came to sit
Little Suzie Snodgrass used flush everyday,
She'd sit for hours and hours just to pass the time away.

No one else could use him, for he would make them blush
For when they'd finished what they'd done, he would refuse to flush
He'd wait for hours and hours till Suzie next did come
And you should see his pipe work sing at the touch of Suzie's bum.

Then one day it happened Suzie came no more
They traded him for an inside loo with an under heated floor
When he was quite certain, this was his final day
He overdosed on Harpic and flushed himself away.

- Stuart Spence

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FRED THE TOAD

Oh Fred the toad, oh Fred the toad,
Why are you lying in the road?
Did you not see that truck ahead
That came along and squashed you dead?
Oh Fred the toad oh Fred the toad
Why are you lying in the road.?

Oh Sid the Snake, oh Sid the Snake,
Why are you lying in the lake?
Did you not see the powerboat
That came along and slit your throat?
Oh Sid the Snake, oh Sid the Snake,
Why are you lying in the lake?

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GALAXY SONG

Whenever life gets you down, Mrs Brown
And things seem hard, or tough
And people are stupid, obnoxious or daft
And you feel that you've had quite enough.......

Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving
And revolving at 900 miles an hour
That's orbiting at 19 miles a second, so it's reckoned
A sun that is the source of all our power
The sun, and you and me, and all the stars that we can see,
Are moving at a million miles a day
In an outer spiral arm, at 40,000 miles an hour
In a galaxy we call the Milky Way.

Our galaxy itself contains 100 billion stars
It's 100,000 light years side to side.
It bulges in the middle 16,000 light years thick
But out by us it's just 3,000 light years wide
We're 30,000 years from galactic central point
We go round ev'ry 200 million years
And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions
In this amazing and expanding universe

The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding
In all of the directions it can whizz
As fast as it can go, the speed of light you know
12 million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is.
So remember when you're feeling very small and insecure
How amazingly unlikely is your birth
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space
Because there's bugger all down here on Earth.

by Eric Idle & John du Prez

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GUIDE ME, O THOU GREAT JEHOVAH

Guide me, O thou great Jehovah,
Pilgrim through this barren land;
I am weak, but thou art mighty;
Hold me with thou powerful hand:

Bread of heaven, bread of heaven,
Feed me now and evermore (evermore),
Feed me now and evermore.

Open thou the crystal fountain,
Whence the healing stream doth flow,
Let the fiery, cloudy pillar,
Lead me all my journey through:

Strong Deliverer, strong deliverer,
Be thou still my strength and shield (strength and shield)
Be thou still my strength and shield

When I tread the verge of Jordan,
Bid my anxious fears subside;
Death of death, and Hell's destruction,
Land me safe on Canaan's side:

Songs of praises, songs of praises
I will ever give to thee (give to thee)
I will ever give to thee.

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HIKE FOREVER

Well I came up to Lancaster, nineteen-ninety-four
And I hiked on every Sunday, though bits of me felt sore
And I've seen Lake District Seasons
Bend and flip and change
Hey it feels like rain...
...must be Borrowdale.
And I've been called a bimbler, and even mountaineer
For I've climbed Scottish mountains, walked ridges without fear
And I did Three Peaks last summer, you ask me if I care
Well I'm still here,
In the pouring rain
Thats falling from these grey Lancaster skies.

Chorus
We're gonna hike forever,
You can't keep walkers in a cage
Never mind how far,
We'll be in the bar
At the end of the day.

There's a lot more to Lancaster, than getting your degree
There's a whole wide world still out there, and there's so much left to see
We've a social every Monday,
The foyer's going strong
So come along...
...we'll be there at One.
And eve'ry weekend, from Scotland to the Lakes
The scenery is worth it, for the effort that it takes
In a minibus from Marshalls with Andy at the wheel
The mountains call,
We'll be there real quick,
Leave behind these grey Lancaster skies.

Chorus

So I say to all you freshers, don't let yourselves get stressed
Cos campus on a Sunday can be boring at its best
It's time to dust off that old compass,
Get that rucksack packed
Pull on your boots...
We're gonna hit the hills...
Underneath a blue Lake District sky.

Chorus
Chorus

To the tune of "Ride Forever" (Paul Gross) from the Due South Soundtrack
vol.1
Concept by Chris McAlpine
Lyrics by Mike Amberry

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I'M GONNA BE (500 MILES)
(100% correct version...)

When I wake up, well I know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the man who wakes up
next to you
When I go out, well I know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the man who goes along
with you
When I get drunk, well I know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the man who gets
drunk next to you
An' when I haver, well I know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the man who's
haverin' to you

Chorus
And I would walk five hundred miles
And I would walk five hundred more
Just to be the man who walks a thousand miles to fall down at your door.

When I'm working, well I know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the man who's
working hard for you
And when the money, comes in for the work I do, I'll pass almost every penny
on to you
When I come home, well I know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the man who comes
back home to you
And when I grow old, well I know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the man who's
growing old with you

Chorus

Da-na-na-da (Da-na-na-da)
Da-na-na-da (Da-na-na-da)
Da-na da-da-na da-da-na  da-da-na da na Daa...
(Repeat once)

When I'm lonely, well I know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the man who's lonely
without you
When I'm dreamin', well I know I'm gonna dream, I'm gonna dream about the
time when I'm with you
When I go out, well I know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the man who goes along
with you
And when I come home, well I know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the man who
comes back home to you
I'm gonna be the man who's coming home to you.

Chorus

Da-na-na-da (Da-na-na-da)
Da-na-na-da (Da-na-na-da)
Da-na da-da-na da-da-na  da-da-na da na Daa...
(Repeat three times)

Chorus to finish

by The Proclaimers, 1988

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THE IRISH ROVER

In the year of our Lord, eighteen hundred and six,
We set sail form the sweet cove of Cork.
We were sailing away with our cargo of bricks
For the grand City Hall in New York.
We'd an elegant craft; she was rigged fore and aft,
And my, how the trade winds drove her,
She could stand several blasts; she had twenty-seven masts,
And they called her the Irish Rover.

There was Barney McGee from the backs of the Lee,
There was Hogan from County Tyrone,
There was Johnny McGurk, who was still scared of work,
And a chap from Westmeath named Malone.
There was Slugger O'Toole, who was drunk as a rule,
And 'Fighting' Bill Tracey from Dover,
And your man Mick McGann from the banks of the Bann
Was the skipper of the Irish Rover.

We had one million bags of the best Sligo rags,
We had two million barrels of bone,
We had three million bales of old nanny-goats tails,
We had four million barrels of stone.
We had five million hogs, six million dogs,
Seven million barrels of porter,
We had nine million sides of blind horses' hides
In the hold of the Irish Rover.

We had sailed seven years when the measles broke out,
And the ship lost her way in fog (thick fog!)
And the whole of the crew was reduced down to two,
'Twas myself and the captain's old dog.
Then the ship struck a rock, Lord what a shock!
I nearly tumbled over,
She turned nine times around and the poor old dog was drowned,
I'm the last of the Irish Rover.

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IT'S A LONG WAY TO TIPPERARY

It's a long way to Tipperary; it's a long way to go.
It's a long way to Tipperary, to the sweetest girl I know.
Goodbye Piccadilly! Farewell Leicester Square!
It's a long, long way to Tipperary, but my heart's right there.

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  JERUSALEM

And did those feet, in ancient time,
Walk upon England's mountains green?
And was the Holy Lamb of God,
On England's pleasant pastures seen?
And did the Countenance Divine,
Shine forth upon our clouded hills?
And was Jerusalem builded here,
Among those dark Satanic mills?

Bring me my bow of burning gold!
Bring me my arrows of desire!
Bring me my spear!
O clouds unfold!
Bring me my Chariot of Fire!
I will not cease from mental fight;
Nor shall my sword sleep in my hand
Till we have built Jerusalem
In England's green and pleasant land.

- William Blake

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KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE (CAMELOT SONG)

We're Knights of the Round Table
We dance whene'er we're able
We do routines and chorus scenes
With footwork impeccable
We dine well here in Camelot
We eat ham and jam and spam a lot

We're Knights of the Round Table
Our shows are formidable
Though many times we're given rhymes
That are quite unsingable
We're Opera mad in Camelot
We sing from the diaphragm a looooooooot

In war we're tough and able
Quite indefatigable
Between our quests
We sequin vests
And impersonate Clark gable
It's a busy life in Camelot
I have to push the pram a lot

by Neil Innes, Graham Chapman & John Cleese

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THE LUMBERJACK'S SONG

I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay,
I sleep all night and I work all day.
He's a lumberjack and he's okay,
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, I go to the lavatory.
On Wednesday I go shopping and have buttered scones for tea.
He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch, he goes to the lavatory.
On Wednesday he goes shopping and has buttered scones for tea.

I cut down trees, I skip and jump, I like to press flowers.
I put on women's clothing, and hang around in bars.
He cut downs trees, he skips and jumps, he likes to press flowers.
He puts on women's clothing? And hangs around in bars?

I cut down trees, I wear high heels, suspendies and a bra.
I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear Papa.
He cuts down trees, he wears high heels? Suspendies and a bra?

(Mounties break off in disdain).

- Monty Python

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MUCKSPREADER

Way down on our farm we are right up to date
For mechanisation's the by-word of late
For every task there's a gadget to match
But our new muckspreader's the best of the batch.

Chorus
Fling it ‘ere, fling it there
If you're standing near by then you'll all get your share

Now young Walter Hodgkins he brought back a load
Of liquid manure from the farm down the road
He hummed to himself as he drove down the street
And his load also hummed in the afternoon heat
Now this muckspreader had a mechanical fault
And a bump in the road turned it on with a jolt
An odorous spray of manure it let fly
Without fear or favour on all who passed by

The vicaridge windows were all open wide
When a rather large helping descended inside
The vicar at table intoned "let us pray"
When this manure from heaven came flying his way.

In her garden Miss Pringle was quite scandalised
"Good gracious", she cried, "I've been fertilised!"
And the methodist minister's tee total wife
Was plastered for the very first time in her life

The cats and the dog stank to high kingdom come
The kiddies, browned off, ran home screaming to mum
The trail off sheer havoc was terrible grim
One open top car was filled up to the brim

Now all of this time Walter trundled along
He was quite unaware there was anything wrong
Until someone flagged hime down, oh what a sight
A policeman all covered in...you've got it right!

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NELLIE THE ELEPHANT

To Bombay, the travelling circus came,
They brought an intelligent elephant and 'Nellie' was her name.
One dark night she slipped her ball and chain,
And off she ran to Hindustan and was never seen again!

Ohhhhhhhhhh...
Nellie the elephant packed her trunk and said "goodbye" to the circus,
Off she went with a trumpety trump. Trump! Trump! Trump!
Nellie the elephant packed her trunk and trundled off to the jungle,
Off she went with a trumpety trump. Trump! Trump! Trump!

The head of the herd was calling far, far away.
They met one night in the silver light on the road to Mandalay.

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NOT "THE NOEL COWARD SONG"

(Good evening, ladies and gentlemen... here's a little number I tossed off recently in the Caribbean...)

Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis?
Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong?
It's swell to have a stiffy.
It's divine to own a dick,
From the tiniest little tadger to the World's biggest prick!
So three cheers for you willy or John Thomas!
"Hooray" for your one-eyed trouser snake,
Your piece of pork, your wife's best friend,
Your Percy or your cock!
You can wrap it up in ribbons; you can slip it in a sock.
But, don't take it out in public or they will stick you in the dock,
And you won't - come - back!

(Ah, thank you very much!)

- Monty Python

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OH FLUFFY SHEEP

Oh Fluffy Sheep (Oh Fluffy Sheep)
Are wonderful (Are wonderful)
Oh Fluffy Sheep are wonderful
They're White, Welsh and Fluffy
Oh Fluffy Sheep are wonderful

Oh British Cows (Oh British Cows)
Have B.S.E. (Have B.S.E.)
Oh British Cows have B.S.E.
They're White, Brown and Crrrrazy!
Oh British Cows have B.S.E.

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ON ILKLEY MOOR B'AH T'AT

Where ‘as tha bin sin ah saw thee, ah saw thee
On Ilkley Moor b'ah t'at
Where ‘as tha bin sin ah saw thee,
Where as tha bin sin ah saw thee (with aht tha trousers on)

Chorus

On Ilkley Moor b'ah t'at
On Ilkley Moor b'ah t'at
On Ilkley Moor b'ah t'at (where the ducks play football)

Tha's bin a courtin Mary Jane, Mary Jane
On Ilkley Moor b'ah t'at
Tha's bin a courtin Mary Jane, Mary Jane
Tha's bin a courtin Mary Jane

Tha's gonna catch tha death of cold, death of cold
On Ilkley Moor b'ah t'at
Tha's gonna catch tha death of cold, death of cold
Tha's gonna catch tha death of cold

Then we shall ‘ave to bury thee, bury thee
On Ilkley Moor b'ah t'at
Then we shall ‘ave to bury thee, bury thee
Then we shall ‘ave to bury thee

Then t'worms'll come and eat thee up, eat thee up
On Ilkley Moor b'ah t'at
Then t'worms'll come and eat thee up, eat thee up
Then t'worms'll come and eat thee up

Then ducks'll come and eat up t'worms, eat up t'worms
On Ilkley Moor b'ah t'at
Then ducks'll come and eat up t'worms, eat up t'worms
Then ducks'll come and eat up t'worms

Then we shall come and eat up t'ducks, eat up t'ducks
On Ilkley Moor b'ah t'at
Then we shall come and eat up t'ducks, eat up t'ducks
Then we shall come and eat up t'ducks

Then we shall all ‘ave etten thee, etten thee
On Ilkley Moor b'ah t'at
Then we shall all ‘ave etten thee, etten thee
Then we shall all ‘ave etten thee

There is a moral to this tale, to this tale
On Ilkley Moor b'ah t'at
There is a moral to this tale, to this tale
There is a moral to this tale

Don't go a courtin' Mary Jane, Mary Jane
On Ilkley Moor b'ah t'at
Don't go a courtin' Mary Jane, Mary Jane
Don't go a courtin' Mary Jane

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  ONE MAN WENT TO MOW

One man went to mow, went to mow a meadow
One man and his supersonic sausage dog with rubber suckers on it's feet and Ronnie Corbett on it's back
Went to mow a meadow

(and so on)

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PACK UP YOUR TROUBLES

Pack up your troubles in your old kit bag and smile, smile, smile.
While you've a lucifer to light your fag
What's the use in worrying, it never was worthwhile,
So pack up your troubles in your old kit bag and smile, smile, smile!

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BRUCE'S PHILOSOPHERS' SONG

Emmanuel Kant was a real pissant, who was very rarely stable,
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar, who could drink you under the table,
David Hulme could out-consume Wilhelm Friedrich Heigel,
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine who was just about as sloshed as Shegal.
There's nothing Nietschze couldn't teach about the raising of the wrist,
Socrates himself was permanently pissed!
John Stuart Mill (of his own free will) on half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.
Plato, they say, could stick it away - half a crate of whiskey every day!
Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for a dram,
And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart - "I drink therefore I am!"
Yes Socrates himself is particularly missed,
A lovely little thinker, but a bugger when he's pissed!

- Monty Python

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SALLY MACLENNANE

Well Jimmy played harmonica in the pub where I was born
He played it from the night time to the peaceful early morn'
He soothed the souls of psychos and the men who had the horn
And they all looked very happy in the morning

Now Jimmy didn't like his place in this world of ours
Where the elephant man broke strong men's necks
When he'd had too many Powers
So sad to see the grieving of the people that he's leaving
And he took the road for God knows in the morning

Chorus
We walked him to the station in the rain
We kissed him as we put him on the train
And we sang him a song of times long gone
Though we knew that we'd be seeing him again
(Far away!) Sad to say I must be on my way
So buy me beer an whiskey cos I'm going far away (Far away!)
I'd like to think I'll be returning when I can
To the greatest little boozer and to Sally MacLennane

The years went by the times had changed I grew to be a man
I learned to love the virtues of sweet Sally MacLennane
I took the jeers and drank the beers and I crawled back home at dawn
And ended up a barman in the morning

I played the pump and took the hump and watered whiskey down
I taked of whores and horses to the men who drank the brown
I heard them say that Jimmy's making money far away
Some people left for heaven without warning

Chorus

When Jimmy came back home he was surprised that they were gone
He asked me all the details of the train that they went on
Some people they are scared to croak
But Jimmy drank until he choked
And took the road to heaven in the morning

Chorus

by Shane MacGowan, The Pogues  (1985)

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SHOW ME THE WAY TO GO HOME

Show me the way to go home,
I'm tired and I want to go to bed.
I had a little drink about an hour ago,
And it's gone right to my head.
Wherever I roam,
Over land or sea or foam,
You will always hear me singing this song -
Show me the way to go home.

Indicate the direction to my habitual abode,
I'm fatigued and I wish to retire.
I had an alcoholic beverage, sixty minutes ago,
And it's gone directly to my cerebellum.
No matter where I perambulate,
Over solid, liquid or aereated water,
You will always hear me reiterate this melody -
Indicate the direction to my habitual abode

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SIT ON MY FACE

Sit on my face and tell me that you love me,
I'll sit one your face and tell you that I love you too.
I love to hear you oralise, when I'm between your thighs.
You blow me away!
Sit on my face and let my lips embrace yours,
I'll sit on your face and I will love you truly.
Life can be fine if we're all sixty-nine!
If we sit on our faces in all sorts of places,
And then we'll be blown away!

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SWING LOW, SWEET CHARIOT

Swing low, sweet chariot, coming for to carry me home;
Swing low, sweet chariot, coming for to carry me home.

I looked over Jordan and what did I see, coming for to carry me home?
A band of angels coming after me, coming for to carry me home.

If you get there before I do, coming for to carry me home;
Tell all my friends I coming after you, coming for to carry me home.

The brightest day that I ever saw, coming for to carry me home;
When Jesus washed my sins away, coming for to carry me home.

I'm sometime up and sometimes down, coming for to carry me home;
But still my soul feels heavenly bound, coming for to carry me home.

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SHE'LL BE COMING 'ROUND THE MOUNTAIN

She'll be coming 'round the mountain, when she comes,
She'll be coming 'round the mountain, when she comes,
She'll be coming 'round the mountain, when she comes,
Coming 'round the mountain, when she comes,

Singing "I will, if you will, so will I,"
Singing "I will, if you will, so will I,"
Singing "I will, if you will, so will I,"
"I will, if you will, so will I."

She'll be driving six white horses, when she comes...

She'll be wearing pink pyjamas, when she comes...

She'll be wearing frilly knickers, when she comes...

Oh, she's got a lovely naval uniform...

Oh, she's got a lovely bottom set of teeth...

Oh, she's got a lovely pair of bright blue eyes...

Oh she's got a lovely country cottage...
Oh she's got a lovely country cottage,
Where the flowers in the garden,
Bloom like the Vale of Arden
Oh she's got a lovely country cottage

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TEN STICKS OF DYNAMITE

Ten sticks of dynamite sitting on the wall
Ten sticks of dynamite sitting on the wall
And if one stick of dynamite should accidently fall
There'll be no sticks of dynamite and no bloody wall!

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WALTZING MATILDA

Once a jolly swagman camped by a billabong,
Under the shade of a koolabar tree,
And he sang as he watched, and he waited 'til his billy boiled,
"You'll come a-waltzing Matilda with me."

"Waltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda,
You'll come a-waltzing Matilda with me."
And he sang as he watched and he waited 'til his billy boiled,
"You'll come a-waltzing Matilda with me."

Up jumps a jumbuck to drink from the billabong,
Up jumps the swagman and chops him in three.
He stuffed that jolly jumbuck into his tucker-bag,
"You'll come a-waltzing Matilda with me."

Up rides the Captain, mounted on his thoroughbred,
Up step the troopers, one, two, three,
"Where's that jolly jumbuck you've got in your tucker bag?"
"You'll come a-waltzing Matilda with me."

Up jumps the swagman and springs into the billabong,
"You'll never take me alive!" says he,
And his ghost can be heard as you pass by the billabong,
"You'll come a-waltzing Matilda with me."

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  WHAT SHALL WE DO WITH THE DRUNKEN SAILOR?

What shall we do with the drunken sailor,
What shall we do with the drunken sailor,
What shall we do with the drunken sailor,
Early in the morning?

Hooray, and up she rises,
Hooray, and up she rises,
Hooray, and up she rises,
Early in the morning.

Put him in the long-boat until he's sober...

Pull out the plug and wet him all over...

Put him in the scuppers with a hose-pipe on him...

Heave him by the leg in a running bowlin'...

Take him, shake him, try to wake him...

Give him lashings with a rope end...

Bathe his wounds with salty water...

Put him below until he's sober...

Get out a hose and wet him all over...

Shave his belly with a rusty razor...

Put him in the hold with the Captain's daughter...

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  WHY WAS HE BORN SO BEAUTIFUL

Why was he born so beautiful
Why was he born at all
He's no fucking use to anyone
He's no fucking use at all

He should be publicly pissed on,
He should be publicly shot (bang, bang),
He should be tied to a urinal,
And left there to fester and rot.

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WILD MOUNTAIN THYME

Oh the summertime is come
And the trees are sweetly blooming
And the wild mountain thyme
Grows around the purple heather

Chorus
Will ye go, lassie, go...
And we'll all go together
To pluck wild mountain thyme
All around the blooming heather
Will ye go, lassie, go...

I will build my love a tower
Near yon clear crystal fountain
Aye and on it I will plant
All the flowers of the mountain

Chorus

If my true love, he were gone
I would surely find another
As the wild mountain thyme
Grows around the purple heather

Chorus

McPeake Family - lyrics from the 1997 version by The Silencers

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YOGI BEAR

Soloists volunteer for each verse during the previous by raising their hand, and are chosen by a chairman (or the concensus) pointing at them. Everyone sings words in capital letters.

I know a bear that you all know,
Yogi , YOGI,
I know a bear that you all know,
Yogi, Yogi Bear.
YOGI, YOGI BEAR,
YOGI, YOGI BEAR,
I KNOW A BEAR THAT YOU ALL KNOW,
YOGI, YOGI BEAR.

Yogi's got a little friend,
Booboo, BOOBOO,
Yogi's got a little friend,
Booboo, Booboo Bear.
BOOBOO, BOOBOO BEAR,
BOOBOO, BOOBOO BEAR,
YOGI'S GOT A LITTLE FRIEND,
BOOBOO, BOOBOO BEAR.

And similarly:

Yogi's got a girlfriend, Suzi,
Suzi, Suzi Bear.

Yogi's got an enemy, Ranger,
Ranger, Ranger Smith.

  They all live in Jellystone, Jelly,
Jelly, Jellystone.

And then things deteriorate... :)

Yogi's got a cheesy knob, cammum,
Cammum, Camembert.

Suzi likes it on the fridge, polar,
Polar, polar bear.

Booboo likes it up the arse, brown,
Brown, brown bear.

Booboo's into whips and chains, kinky
Kinky, kinky, bear

Suzi likes it in the car, panda,
Panda, panda bear.

Yogi's got a long green dick, cucum,
Cucum, cucumber.

Suzi likes to shave her pubes, grizzly,
Grizzly, grizzly bare.

Ad infinitum

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